wanttobehealthy

Got this email from AH last night.

Rememeber: I am the one who decided I had had enough. I asked him to leave. It was a fiasco getting him to go. He seems to have forgotten this!

FWIW, I'm sharing this email not bc I am bothered by it but bc it shows me how far I've come. In the past, this sort of letter would have thrown me into a tailspin. I would have said "come home, I miss you, I believe you, it's all okay". I've done that tens of times over the past few yrs.

This time? I read it, felt bad for him that he's still trying to play the same games and hoping for the same result AND I didn't shy away from addressing his request that we call off the separation. In the past I'd hem and haw and avoid saying things he didn't want to hear. When he came to see the girls last night we put them to bed and then I very bluntly but politely told him that I wasn't going to take his words without action and wasn't going to do anything differently than what was currently happening. I said I did not trust his words and he didn't have to like that but that it was what it was. I said that nothing was going to change from the present course of action and that long term change over time was the only thing that would make me believe that words he spoke were true. I didn't apologize, mince my words or get emotional and to my surprise he didn't get upset. I think I surprised him by standing up for myself without emotion and by being so blunt and I'm feeling good.

That said, the quacking in this letter is too good to not share! It sounds sweet I suppose to those who don't know him but it's all about him, all self centered and all fluff words with no real substance as far as I can tell...

Here is what I have been thinking about: My life has a fork in the road, I can either remained married to you or I can separate from u. This email itemizes what my life would look like if I choose each of these 2 roads. The categories are this:

Marriage:
I will be completely honest bc I want to be free from anxiety, tension and stress. I want to be open and trusting because I want a real connection with you. I want to be your best friend again. I will do this by simply telling you all that I am thinking, doing and feeling and let the chips fall where they may. I am exhausted by trying to lead a double life with you. I have been worried that u wont love me if I am not some idealized version of myself. I will trust that you will love me with all of my imperfections. The alternative in the single world is: dishonesty with myself and a constant series of rationalizations and excuse-making.

The second one is sobriety. Even tho I dont want complete an total abstinence I am prepared to do that if that is what it takes to keep my marriage and family intact. Having a few beers does not hold a candle to staying with you. (*my take? a few beers may not hold a candle to being with me, but a 30 pack? That's a different story! LOL!) The alternative i the single world is: No need for abstinence and probable abuse of alcohol.

Third is companionship with u. This means having someone to share my life with and our lives together. I havent seen this in a completrely positive light in the past, I have seen it as a bit of a chore, which is illogical and insane. I still love spending time with u doing something or just doing nothing. The alternative in the single world is: loneliness and an antisocial isolated existence.

Fourth is Family. I want the best for my wife, daughters and us as a family, and the best way for this to be achieved is for me to give ALL that I have to my family. It means making sacrifices out of love and compromises for the greater good. I will do this. This also means being communicative, open and honest. The alternative in the single world is: a broken family that is constantly struggling with uncertainty. I DO NOT want this.

Fifth is Fatherhood. The two best things that have EVER happened to me was marrying you and having a family. These are the two things in my life that I have zero regrets about. Being a father is the only existence I will ever want, and I want to be able to be a father 24/7. I want to be there for their development, for their ups and downs, for their lives. The alternative i the single world is: part time, half-ass, disfunctional fatherhood that is at best inadequate and at worst destructive. This i dont ever want.

Sixth is replacing the I's for the US. I have always thought I was a good teammate, a good provider, and a good sacrificer / compromiser. I dont think I have been this for some time. Drinking and deceptions IS selfish and childish. The alternative i the single world is: filling an empty life with wants and visceral satisfactions that will ultimately kill me from the inside out.

Seventh is Interdependence. I am still having a hard time understanding what this is exactly. I think it means having family to rely and depend upon, and having oneself be relied and depended upon. The alternative i the single world is: independence. This independence will never be gratifying bc I know I would have given up the world for an obligationless adolescent existence.

I dont want to lose you; I dont want to lose my family. I beg you to reconsider us staying married, as I want to do all the changes I proposed above. I am not perfect, but I know I can be better. I want to wear my ring and you yours, and I meant what I said, I DO love u more now than I did in 03. * he told me this weekend he loves me more than he did when he married me and that the reason he acts like he does is because he cares so much (I told him that sounded a lot like the rationale that wife beaters use to justify their behavior and that was the end of that)

Take all the time u want - pls tell me what u r thinking and feeling; if u still want a separation or divorce, I will do that and be the best absentee father I can be. There were other things I was thinking of, and maybe when we talk I will remember them. I love u.