I could have wrote your initial post almost verbatim about 20 years ago. The problem was I never got to the point where I could control it all of the time. I dreamed of owning a bar/brewery, but then every month or so I end up passed out in my own vomit or urine. Then I would say, "I'm not gonna let that happen again", and I would apologize to all who I might have vomited on or pissed off, then that drunken a-hole would find his way back into my life. I never honestly thought of quitting drinking for good, because I didn't think it was possible for a guy like me to be successful and have fun and never drink. So I progressed over a 20 year period to a guy who was mentally and physically addicted to drinking. My life was drinking. I finally quit because I had to, but I truly wish I would have quit 20 years earlier. If you can quit it now you will thank yourself in 20 years. You will be richer, happier, more successful and more fulfilled. My 20 year bout of depression also disappeared once I quit.