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Old 09-05-2011, 10:45 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
yorkiegirl
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
Thank you for all of your kind, warm, thoughtful, supportive responses.

I hope my RAH doesn't relapse. I know the possibility is always there. During the initial stages of my RAH's recovery, I remember saying to his in-patient program on-site counselor during couples' therapy that "I understand that relapse is part of recovery." Then, he corrected me & said, "Not necessarily. Relapse does not have to be part of recovery. It is up to the addict/alcoholic."

Relapse was definitely part of my father's recovery until he completely extinguished those "falling off the wagon" moments from his drinking (now sober 25 years). . . Even though relapse is still possible for my father as well, in his own way (without any program), he has found ways to live a sober life. Would my father having embraced a recovery program made our lives better? Probably. Would my mother having embraced her own recovery program (i.e. Alanon) helped our family? Most definitely! Without the actual drinking, which really was a small part of alcoholism for my family of origin, there were still lots of chaos, drama, emotional roller coaster rides, insecurity, broken promises, unpredictability, etc. I know there were times my father felt he was still being punished by my mother even though he had not been drinking for a long, long time.

For me, the point is that *I* have to own up to my own panic moments (reactions to so-called "alcoholic crisis moments" regardless if active addiction is present or not) like the one I just had when the office assistant said she needed to speak to me. How I address and handle these situations can make a huge difference in my daughter's and our family's lives, regardless of whether my RAH relapses or not. I pray and hope that he continues on his path. The best way I can support his sobriety & recovery is to let him work on it (butt out) and to focus on my own recovery. I am tremendously grateful that he continues to put effort into remaining sober & recovering.

I shouldn't say I don't mind if relapse happens. I do mind. However, I also want to try and be understanding that people make mistakes. (Progress not perfection). *If* relapse is going to be part of recovery (like in the case of my father), then, I can accept it wholeheartedly. As an ACOA and as a wife of an RAH, I have contributed and behaved in ways that were less than ideal. As a co-dependent, I have allowed myself in the past to get sucked into the craziness of addiction. *I* am responsible for that. Part of my healing has been to realize that I am less than perfect and I am certainly no martyr. There's a lot I can do in order to make this recovery a "family recovery" especially for our daughter. It's not just up to my RAH to work his program. It's also how I continue to work on myself as a person, mother, wife, family member, work colleague, etc. My reaction and how I handle life are all definitely part of our family's recovery. I have my separate issues than my RAH with which I must struggle.

My panic was definitely a socialized response. It is an example of how addiction has affected and infected my thinking. . . I have triggers (when I start to panic, worry, feel shame/embarrassment), independent of the possibility of my RAH relapsing or not. The key for me is to recognize this and focus on me.

I'm very grateful to be able to come here, to share and to hear your comments/advice. Thank you!
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