I did not want to be part of Al-anon for many years. I was working my own recovery from my own issues and I was upset that "I needed to join a group for someone else's stuff."
Then I joined. It is amazing when the focus is on me what I can accomplish. I am hearing how you have already accomplished a lot. You had a reaction, but I did not read that you were doing this daily, weekly etc.
I think I read somewhere that in part codependancy is normal reactions blown up as there are not normal circumstances that we are in.
To me it is not having a reaction that is the problem, it is not looking at it so we continue to repeat those patterns that is the issue. I did not read that anywhere in your post.
Congrats to you and your family on all of the recovery I read in your post.