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Old 09-05-2011, 06:32 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
wanttobehealthy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I think I've been where you are... and I think that I hung on bc even though I knew who my AH WAS right then, I wanted to believe he'd become someone different. The part of him I loved that I thought was decent, I thought with enough explaining/talking/love/support/encoragement etc... I could make that part be there all the time.

Like you I thought many times, "AH ought to be with someone who is a doormat and will accept what he gives and want nothing more". I knew that's what he was and wanted and I am NOT that woman. But I didn't want to give up on the idea of what I thought we would be.

Holding on to hope, wishing for change, focussing on the glimmer of good and ignoring the glaring bad was all very very bad for me. It made me crazy, made me obsess about whether he was lying, made my try to extract promises from him that he'd stop lying, stop saying he loved me one day and hated me the next... I clung to words and ignored actions (even when I said I wasn't).

I am currently hurting like I haven't before, heartbroken, dealing with 2 sad little girls who miss their Daddy... but I know it's best that I finally broke away. I lost myself the more I tried to save our r/s. A r/s worth being in enhances who you are and adds to your life. It doesn't make you a shell of who you were and become your whole life. I wish I'd figured that out sooner.

Sending you warm thoughts...
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