I think there's a BIG difference b/w an A relapsing and those of us who've been married to A's, having to take some time to not have the PTSD reaction that we did for so many years with good reason.
I think it's awesome that you're so in touch with what you're thinking and working your program and it sounds like overall things are going well for you and your H.
Just don't beat yourself up for reacting in a way that past experience has told you is "normal". Anyone who expects that won't happen (yourself included) is being way too harsh on you. Recovering from living in chaos, unpredictability, with dishonesty, embarassment, constant surprises etc... is not something that anyone gets over quickly. My T has been talking to me a lot lately about how living with an A often results in developing the same symptoms as those with PTSD from having been through a variety of traumatic events. No one tells someone with PTSD they ought to work their program harder or better or hurry up and get over it and I hope you'll be patient and gentle with yourself!