BP-
I don't know if this applies for you at all, but I struggle with the difference between guilt and shame.
Guilt, for me, now is a yucky feeling I get when I have behaved badly and I need to own up and apologize for something. Or at least look at myself.
Shame though was a pretty similar feeling but for me it was about feeling bad that I took up space, or feeling bad that I existed etc.
When I start not feeling so hot I need to make sure which one I am coming from. I spent a lot of my life trying to only have a positive impact on others that, that if I was not having a positive impact I was apologizing or coming from a place of shame. That is an ongoing piece for me, and they continue to be easy for me to confuse.
At the begining of my seperation I was feeling pretty okay for myself and pretty worried about my loved one who struggles with A. It got better when I realized that my only true responsibility is to myself (no kids), and that I had been given life lessons that got me into the help I needed so desperately. If and when my loved one was open to his life lessons he would get the help he needed too.
I am not grateful for the lessons (at least not yet), I am grateful that it got me into the following to get the help I needed:
-Al-anon (different types of groups have worked for me at different times)
-Individual counseling
-Lots of reading about addiction and codependancy
-Bodywork (Rolfing, but also Yoga etc)
I am getting ready to take a meditation course in the next month which I am also hoping will help me on my healing journey.