I think I made a really horrible mistake last night. I'd confided in friends (a married couple) who have been a support for me since I filed for my RO against my AH, and then the legal separation. They really believed in their hearts that I should reach out to AH's best friend, in an effort to let SOMEONE know how bad off my AH is. I talked to my therapist about it. She thought it wasn't a good idea, it's not my story to tell, it's AH's. And guess, what?
I DID IT ANYWAY!
I didn't do it to redeem myself or to trash him. I had his best interest in mind, and ultimately felt that SOMEONE else should be aware...what if AH dies because of alcohol poisoning? What if his health is already compromised? Isn't this my codependency showing? I know better, because NO ONE CAN FIX THIS BUT HIM! The alcohol has become so important to his brain, he can't tell right from wrong anymore, and he has chosen ALCOHOL EVEN OVER OUR MARRIAGE.
The phone conversation was 4HOURS LONG! I am an idiot, I should have ended it. I exposed basically EVERYTHING. BF did not know of AH's inpatient stay for depression/alcohol, that he was on an antidepressant but quit, about his DUI, or my OWN HEALTH ISSUES, the sordid details of what occurs when AH is drunk, but I told him
ALL OF IT. Although BF has "some extended family that are Alcoholics, I'm coming to believe one must actually live with an A to
fully comprehend the craziness, the devastation, the Lifetime-TV Made For Women moments!
BF was shocked. He kept asking me if dates of AH's worst drunken incidences in our home correlated with anything particular at that time. What does that matter? Is AH going to go through life and not have anything upset him? It could have been something at work, something that happened during the day, maybe he perceived something I said the wrong way. AH copes with anything difficult or unpleasant or at this point--daily life--BY OPENING A BOTTLE OF VODKA AND POURING IT DOWN HIS OWN THROAT.
And what did BF say at the end? He thought that it was good that the separation was in place, because the relationship between AH and I is "stressful". And that I should be thinking "let's work on me" now and AH should be doing the same. (Really??) Although he told me otherwise, I had the profound sense that he felt AH's issues all started happening AFTER WE GOT MARRIED so I MUST BE TO BLAME.
I feel raw, and exposed and didn't sleep at all last night. BF was going to consult with his wife, talk to a group of close, trustworthy friends (he didn't want to get into specific details) because there have been concerns about AH apparently, people noticing "things" for a while. I reiterated that that's all well and good, but I tried everything I could, and until AH wants to change, it won't happen. What's bad is that AH will be irate and feel betrayed that I shared our secrets -- he may not be able to recover from what I've now exposed, and I may have destroyed any chances at reconciliation somewhere down the road. Also, BF is not a therapist, he will color things with his own perspective, information will get passed along, things will get shared incorrectly ... this is going to be a
HUGE TRAIN WRECK, and for that, I AM to blame.
