The thing that really stood out for me while on our mini vacation was how calm the kids and I were. Normally there is this tension, always some arguments, but without RAH everyone got along great. We all just went with the flow and it didn't matter what we did or when we did it. It was such a nice change. I really, really liked not having the pressure of having to deal with RAH.
This was the first thing that stood out to me after I left my A(nowX)H. We lived with friends, lived in borrowed clothes for four months (because AXH wouldn't let us retrieve anything from the house), lived under a tremendous amount of stress on some level -- but we were calm, happy, laid-back, and getting along in a way I had never experienced before. Today, a year+ after the divorce, that's my normal. And I love it.
I recognize this:
We have 3 kids, the youngest being only 7, so I feel I owe it to them to really stick this out
and I will say that for me, when I got to the point where A(X)H went to rehab, it was too late for me to stick it out. He had crossed lines and done things that could not be taken back, and that could be forgiven, but never forgotten. I don't particularly hate him for those things, or hold them against him now, but when he was begging me to get back together, all I could think was "on what foundation would we build a future? All we have is misery."
I pray it will have a happy ending. I worry that it will not and I worry if it doesn't where I will be then (emotionally and financially).
I live paycheck to paycheck. Actually, right now, I'm arsedeep in debt because of lawyer fees. But it doesn't matter. I'd rather eat rice in peace than filet mignon in misery. I have an inner peace. There's a whole different level of patience and love between the kids (who used to fight like mad dogs).
I do hope that your RAH's recovery is successful. I've seen it happen. I have two good friends who have 25 and 15 years of recovery under their respective belts, whose marriages and families are intact, and whose wives I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for.
I could not go through my AXH's attempt at rehab with him. Partly because it was too late. But also, partly, because in my heart of hearts, I
knew that it wasn't a serious attempt. No matter how much he claimed it was. It was an act, as everything in his life is, to manipulate people and circumstances so that he would get what he wanted.
It's one of those pieces of advice that so many people gave me, and that made no sense to me for the longest time, but that does now -- to work on myself and let him work on himself. So I'll just pass that along. Work on your recovery, let him work on his, and regardless of where his recovery leads him, you'll be in a better place than you are today.
