Alone22

Hi all!

Well just a quick update. RAH is now about 3 weeks into his 30 day rehab program. He has been going to intensive outpatient treatment and is coming home at night. The first few days he was on this natural high, very happy, thinking positive and then he went the other direction (frankly I think it was because he thought rehab=sex and it didn't). He yelled at me one morning before leaving for rehab how he couldn't live like this anymore and how I was mean etc (quacking at his best). I was and had been very calm and not the least bit mean (I was honest with the therapist during our session that at home he had been demanding and grumpy, so I think this is where the mean came in?) Anyway his case manager called me and assured me that what RAH was going through was very normal, encouraged me to try my best to be patient and loved that I attended Al-non. Since then RAH has been more focused on his recovery and seems to be more level in his emotions.

We spent 5 days totally apart. The kids and I went away for my brother's wedding. The thing that really stood out for me while on our mini vacation was how calm the kids and I were. Normally there is this tension, always some arguments, but without RAH everyone got along great. We all just went with the flow and it didn't matter what we did or when we did it. It was such a nice change. I really, really liked not having the pressure of having to deal with RAH.

Once at home this funk took over me. I have been really thinking about why. Was it just back to reality? Was it because I haven't been to a meeting in a while? After much soul searching what I came up with is I think RAH will want me to simply wipe the slate clean, chalk up all the past issues to his problems with alcohol and now that he has taken care of that we should just move on. What I know is that I can't do that. There is a path of destruction which went straight through our marriage and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I really want our marriage to get back on track, I do love him very much, but I am terrified of being hurt again. I am wise enough now to know that rehab does not always = long term recovery and I know there is always the possibility of more alcoholic craziness in our future. This is making me feel both emotionally and physically stuck. We have 3 kids, the youngest being only 7, so I feel I owe it to them to really stick this out and I pray it will have a happy ending. I worry that it will not and I worry if it doesn't where I will be then (emotionally and financially). I have thought about going back to work but while I think it would help put my worry of financially security to rest, I also know how much pressure it would place on the family, how much time I would lose with my kids, and how hectic it would make our lives. It just doesn't feel like the right thing, right now.

All of this is leaving me feeling stuck. I think I need to get my butt back to a meeting. The logical side of me know I am simply giving it up to my HP and if and when I need to make a change or a decision I will know it. It has worked pretty good for me so far and I need to have faith that it will continue to be the right thing. Meanwhile I need to calm myself and my worries, but that is not an easy task as I'm sure ALL of you know.

Thanks for giving me a place to be able to get honest with myself and my feelings. Just getting it out has moved me one step closer to the peace my mind needs.