Yellow Birdy,
You don't need to have your head examined and you aren't crazy. You've been living with an alcoholic and what is it that the big book says? Something about how living with alcoholism is too much for most of us? I didn't realize how alcoholism was impacting me for a long time. I thought that my desperation, my clinging to hope, my trying to figure out how to fix things when any logical person could see there wasn't anything to fix, my blaming myself, my anxiety etc... was all normal and part of working on a marriage.
I really, really understand what you wrote about hope-- having that tiny glimmer still-- boy do I get that. And I'm not saying you shouldn't have it... Just try not to let it direct what you do. Someone (maybe folks here too) often tells me that hope is as futile as worry. Both keep us stuck, immobile, afraid to do things differently, don't allow us to move fwd and find what else might be out there. I used to think having hope was a great thing and I suppose someday I might think so again (in a healthier way) but I can now see that my years of clinging to "hope" really just amounted to denial, excusing behavior, wishing for a miracle etc...
Your post sounds much like those written by me and I can truly empathize with all that you wrote.
I'm sorry you're hurting so much and please know that there are so many of us who can relate so so well. As much as I am ready to be done with my AH and as peaceful as it is to not have him around, I know damn well that when the day comes I hear 'round the rumor mill that he is dating I'll probably go into a tailspin... and knowing that tells me that I do still have that same glimmer of hope you describe. I just need to keep myself in check and say that it's okay to have that hope but it doesn't have to control whether I go fwd or not...
Sending warm thoughts your way....