Yellowbirdy, you did not cause his drinking. That is his choice alone. As someone else said, if you were that powerful you could also make him stop. You are powerless over anyone but yourself!
Now you have to focus on Yellowbirdy. You are in crisis. You are deep in grief and guilt and longing. Your dreams about the future all gone. It all feels so unjust. This is a very dark time. I have been going through the exact same thing over the past four months. I'm on the same weight loss program, too.
The days can be very hard, almost like I can't breathe.
I am really trying to focus on me. What is best for ME. Me. It's very hard to do after years of being conditioned to be selfless wife and supermom and the who does it all. I lost sight of myself a long time ago and allowed myself to become enmeshed in a toxic situation, to grow and bend and mutate around my husband and his addiction. It takes time to dig out. Slowly I am seeing glimpses of hope. Moments where I feel OK. It is hard work.
Looking at your own role is important, but first you must shore yourself up so that you can do this in a constructive way. Right now your perceptions are warped. You are bargaining. Alcoholics really bend reality and make us question ourselves, our sanity, judgment, etc. I think before you can take an honest look at what you brought to the marriage, you have to get the perspective that only comes with time, counseling, Al-Anon, support of friends, family, etc.
I send you big hugs Yellowbirdy. You are not alone in your grief.