StarCat

When I first started recovery, I did put up nice, big, strong walls around myself. I was too raw, too hurt, too unstable to allow myself contact with anyone I viewed as dysfunctional, so I only had contact with my therapist and the members of my Al-Anon group.

As time progresses, and I have gotten stronger, first I started putting in windows in that wall, picking the happy bits that I wanted to look at. Then I started leaving those windows open to actually participate in some of that. Now I have been putting in doors, that actually open.

This morning I had a wonderful conversation with my mother. And by conversation I mean the real kind, you know, that you read about and see sometimes in movies, where both people are listening to the other, and then both people contribute to the same topic, and everyone is interested in what's being said.
Wow.
I haven't had a real conversation with my mother since... I don't even remember. Usually it's her going on and on about her day, her news, waiting for me to say "yes" or "no" or "I don't know," asking an obligatory question about me and then announcing that she has to go before I can answer it.

We talked about nail polish, cell phone minutes, weekend plans, and seeing the good in life, even in a bad situation. We talked about how as time progresses scientists keep changing their mind about things, what's the best way to sleep, vaccinate or don't vaccinate, dietary health, the proper way to breathe. We talked about my brothers going back to school, and how they're growing up so quickly, and memories from when they were little. We talked about driving routes, road work, politics, the future. I talked about purchasing a bicycle, she offered my old bicycle next time I visit, we talked about cargo space in cars, advances in technology, kayaking, computers, hybrid cars, and hiking.
And I listened to her, and she listened to me.

And this is because I have been working on my own recovery, and I have been setting up my boundaries, way too strong at first but gradually pulling them down in places and redefining them in others to suit where I am in my recovery right now.

Nobody is perfect, not even me. I accept that, and I understand that, and I protect myself from the insanity that I do not wish to deal with. If I am not emotionally stable, I will not answer the phone when she calls, because we will repeat the old patterns and fall right back over the cliff. I am teaching myself that I do not have to answer the phone whenever it rings (a hard habit to unlearn, due to XABF's habits of redialing and the progressive nature of his verbal assaults in voicemail when I didn't answer).
If I am in an emotionally stable state, with time to talk, I will answer the phone, and as long as the conversations continues in a healthy manner, I will participate. Because now I am strong enough to notice when it takes the unhealthy turn, now I am strong enough to keep the conversation positive (when possible) or remove myself politely from the situation (when it takes a downward turn that I cannot halt).

When building an archway, the easiest way is to close off the entrance until the arch is set where it needs to be. Once that archway is in place, and the cornerstone has been added, the extra support is not needed, and the archway can be left open for those who wish to pass through, because the structure will stand, and it is stronger than the support it was leaning against.
But try building it without blocking off the entrance first, and you are in for a world of struggle!

It's like trying to build a dam with the river rushing through. Certainly it's possible, but if you have the ability to slow the current, divert the water, or build barriers to keep the water or current away from the portion of the dam you are currently building, wouldn't that be easier? Then when you're set, and the boundary necessary has been built, the current can be allowed to flow again in that area while you move on to work on the next one.

When dealing with my relationship with my family, I had to stop the emotional current for awhile and figure out my boundaries before I could allow the current to flow again. Now I recognize the things I can and cannot control, I can maintain my own control over my side of the relationship (at least mostly, I still slip sometimes), and I can have a productive and fulfilling relationship with my family because of this, because I recognize their capacities and abilities when it comes to functional/dysfunctional relationships, and I merely remove myself when it turns dysfunctional and wait for things to settle down before resuming.
This could mean extracting myself from a telephone conversation, or when home for a visit simply playing in the driveway with my brothers or driving to a friends' house when my parents' house is too tense.

But I wouldn't have learned this without removing myself from a relationship with them completely until I could define myself separate of their influence, and set up the boundaries that I felt appropriate, and the escape routes that were the most effective while remaining polite.