Hi Sweets,
I found when I got mad and just had enough I found the ability to start to love me and want to take care of me. I wanted to be there for my kids and not let his illness pull me down anymore. My kids deserved a parent who was happy and healthy, not someone who was so tangled up in what was going on with my AH that I just couldn't really be there for my kids the way I wanted to be.
When I finally understood that all of the negative, ugly talk my AH said really had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his illness it helped me. Now when he says something that is hurtful I try my best to see it as his illness, and not me. I disengage and get away from him. I detach the best I can.
The best thing I did was to love me and not look to my AH for validation that I am lovable. I am a good, kind, giving, and lovable person.