Thanks for the response, it really made me think. I have read Seat of the Soul and I liked that quote you provided. I had to read it a few times actually to understand it (which is good!).
I think prior to this, I have started having thoughts around 3-4 months like "Wow, this is the longest I haven't drank, wonder how long I can continue like this" (with the exception of my 2 pregnancies) and have sort of been waiting for the "bam, I'm drinking" moment to happen. In trying to type a coherent reply right now I guess what I want to say is it's my mood and thoughts that have deteriorated every time prior to me drinking again, and I do believe on some level I knew this would lead to another drink. But on a conscious level, all I have ever really been aware of is "Wow, I drank out of nowhere and why was there no 'inner debate' about it. Why does it feel like I drank again in a way that resembled being on autopilot?".
Hmmm, so I guess what I am realizing right now is that my thoughts and mood usually deteriorate so much over the course of several weeks prior to each "relapse" that by the time I have the thought to drink, it's as if my true self is almost on the same level as the addictive voice. It's like they are at one (maybe).