freethinking

I do not have urges to drink. I was a morning, noon and night drinker and would go on approximately 5 week binges, then stop for a week and start up again. I drank about 4 bottles of wine a day and suffer pretty bad withdrawl when I stopped each time. However my pattern is, when I "really stop" (usually when something bad has happened as a result of my drinking), I will not want to drink for months (let's say 3-4). Then "bam"...at the end of those 3-4 months this thought to drink crosses my mind, almost as a fact, and then it's done (as in "We're drinking today, go to the liquor store now. There is no reason not to."). There's no debate, nothing.

So my issue is I feel like, having abstained for 3.5 months now, I have not been able to practice AVRT/SMART at all. However, I have noticed recently (and if history rings true, I am reaching a critical time right now), that I have been feeling very negative (which up until a week or so ago, I was not). This negativity has slowly been getting worse and worse I have been focusing on old events and people that make me feel angry and sad, yet they have no real reason to be bothering me right now. I keep telling myself to stop thinking about these things....I almost get the feeling that these thoughts are my very sneaky "addictive voice"...it's like it wants to build me up to a state of hating everyone and being disgusted with life, to the point where I don't care so that by the time the "bam, let's drink now" thought reaches me, I'm like "Yeah, why not".

It's like I am addicted to not being happy. For example, I checked out these books from the library on all this stuff, and keep finding reasons not to read them. It's like I subconsciously do not want to be happy or change things.

I guess I'm rambling - but it's because I feel on shaky ground. If I were feeling like drinking, at least that would seem normal. But I don't, yet I feel like something is brewing and I don't trust myself.