hwsm

I have posted here since last December. I broke up and got back together with my ABF many, many times. He was never mean or abusive. He's actually a very sweet, caring, and loving man. I tried the crying, screaming, arguing, and even begging with him to stop. He never thought it was a problem. I don't know how much of a problem it was for him; I only saw him "drunk" a few times in a year and a half. It was the smell of liquor on his breath that made me sick to my stomach. I don't know "how" much he drank. I know he always got defensive when I brought the subject up. I tried the "if you really loved me" approach, which didn't work either. Finally, in June I said that I was done. If he couldn't make the choice of an alcoholic lifestyle over me, then I was finished. I went back and forth between the no contact, but missed him like crazy all summer long. I started going to Al-Anon and reading everything that I could get my hands on. Even though I feel a security of going to Al-Anon, I still am not sure that it's for me. I have the hardest time speaking up. When I do, I just start to cry. I think some people are very selfish and take up a lot of time talking about themselves and don't give others a chance to speak up. I don't know. I hear some of their stories and think I am one of the luckier ones. It has made me realize that I have other options. I love him and I always will. I just don't think I can accept the drinking and not sure he can stop.

Anyway, I didn't see my XABF for 7 weeks and 5 days (yes, I kept count). We finally agreed it would be best to talk about what was going on between us. From his texts, I assumed that he was still drinking - saying things had gotten worse since I left and he wasn't getting any better. I guess I really had been trying to manipulate the situation, withholding myself from him, until he stopped. In the meantime, I had spent hours crying in the parking lot where we used to meet, just hoping he would "find me". Crazy, I know. When I finally saw him, I had very mixed emotions. I missed him, I really did. I smelled the liquor on him almost immediately, but I didn't react as usual. I didn't confront or blame or accuse. I felt kind of sad about that. He said that we should sit down and talk at a better time and I agreed. That was as far as I could go without saying that I knew he had been drinking. Part of me felt good about that, part of me felt that he was getting away with something. Maybe he thought I couldn't tell? I don't know. I did tell him that I could not accept things the way they were. That I felt like I would be "settling" for something less than what I felt I deserved and that wouldn't be good for either one of us. I don't want a relationship where I have to hide my feelings about something that bothers me.

After that, he texted me that he felt "whole again" after seeing me for just a little bit. I told him that he did not need me to be whole. I didn't hear from him for long time after that. I got a few crazy texts saying that "things were happening fast now" and he didn't want me to worry about him. So I didn't. I backed off and waited to see what happened. Today he called me to say that what was happening fast now was that he had left his business partner to start out on his own. Now, I don't know the other side of the story, so I can only go from what he said. I'm sure there is more to it than what he told me. Anyway, he said that he wanted to come back to me, but he wanted to come back with something to offer me. Right now, he said he didn't have anything, but when I told him earlier that he didn't need me to make him whole, he realized that he was the one who needed to get his life together.

So, there's the recovering Polly-Annish moron in me, wanting like crazy to believe him and the devil on the other shoulder, telling me he still wants time to drink and blow sunshine up my behind. In the meantime, I'm still here, still living with the day to day stuff life throws at me. Sometimes I still sleep all weekend. I stay up way too late and can't get up in the mornings. I stopped exercising and started eating way too much junk again. School starts in just a little over a week and I will be very busy taking full time classes. I'm going to continue the meetings and maybe try to find another group to try. I don't hate it; I'm just not sure that it's for me. Yes, I am bothered by someone else'se drinking, but if I cut that person out of my life - why do I need Al-Anon anymore? We don't have kids together, bills, a house, so I can completely walk away if that's what I choose.

Okay, that's it. I just had to vent. Thanks for listening.