I am trying to remember what I can and can't control, what is and is not my business, but this morning I am finding it rather difficult.
RAH started rehab on Monday (positive step in the right direction).
He determined he wanted a 30 days out patient intensive program. We discussed him doing in patient as well, but it was not what he wanted. Insurance is not coving one penny as they will only approve the less intensive out patient 3 hours a day first, and then if he fails they would move on to what he has now. Difference in cost is HUGE. If we do what insurance wants to do we pay no additional cost even if he ends up in patient. He thinks the 3 hours a day is not intensive enough, but admits he knows nothing about it. BUT not my business right? This is his recovery not mine. I can only tell him what is being told to me and then hands off.
When we spoke with the center before he started we were told he would be there from 8-8 7 days a week. He would be doing everything just like in patient but sleeping there. Reality is he is home by 5:30 (sometimes goes back for a night meeting, and in 3 days he did it only once). He tells me this morning that they said he could go ahead and take the weekends off since they don't do much on the weekends anyway. It is more family and leisure time. WTF, really? He was also told day one if he didn't want to come on the weekends he could just put the days on the end of this treatment (thus extending it). Then I also heard him say that it is all based on hours and since it is really only a 6 hour program but he stays longer usually 8-5, he would be completing the right amount of hours anyway without the need to go on weekends or extent his care. Not my business, right? I just get to watch our savings drop. Lucky me.
So this morning he brings up my brother's wedding, which is next weekend in another state. When he first talked about going to rehab he was upset that he wouldn't be able to go (of course he could go on his fishing trip and start rehab after that). He asks me if he should talk to his counselor about if he should go and then proceeds to tell me he has mixed feelings about going. He could stay home and work on his stuff and meet with his sponsor (this is about the time he told me about not going to rehab on the weekends). I said sure, talk to them and let me know. I also looked up the cost of flying him in for the wedding and gave him that information, along with my thoughts on not going on weekends should drop the cost down and perhaps that needs to be looked into also.
this is me as I sit here.... and I keep telling myself I can only control me and this is his business not mine. The little voice inside is telling me something just doesn't add up, but I also know I am cynical and non trusting to the point that it clouds my judgment. I feel stuck... knowing right now is not the time for any decisions, right now I just have to live with what is and wait to see what will be....and he comes home pretty happy (heck he is not working for 30 days) and it seems like a mini vacation more than intensive rehab! I remind myself I am not there and I have no idea what it is like, maybe it is just him feeling relief that he is taking such a huge step forward? Don't get me wrong, I like how he is acting toward me, but it feels like Mr. Charming is back and in the past that is step one in our circle of problems. None of this is what I thought would happen. Yes I know what I
expected is part of the issue, expectations cause problems. But really, I was thinking he would be gone a lot, would be pretty worn out from having to really dive into all the emotional stuff in his head, that rehab would be what he lived and breathed for the next 30 days. Was it wrong of me to think that?
I hate addiction... I hate what it has done to ME! I need to regroup and put my focus back on me...
Thanks for letting me vent!