I spoke with my AF today. He called, wanting say how sorry he was but then of course tried to defend why he went off in a rage. He said something to the effect of " I f'd up, I know it, and I need to figure out why I do this" humm whatever... the answer is you are an A and need to stop the denial. Of course I didn't give him my opinion. He needs to determine for himself why he does what he does. I simply told him I did not want to have that experience ever again and I would do what I needed to do to lessen the chances that I (or my family) will. I expressed to him that I know how important family is to him and that I know how horrible it would be for him to lose it. I felt like I stated what I need to and never got up set. I feel very thankful I am where I am in my own recovery because I know faced with this just a few month ago it would have been a very different discussion. I still have not determine if I will in fact openly state what my boundary is to him, but I am still leaning towards letting him know. I just feel it puts everyone on the same page. No questioning why I am leaving, or not going or whatever. It also gives him the opportunity to choose not to cross my boundary if he wants us to be around him longer. If I don't state it, he doesn't know. I don't have any expectations by doing so... it is not a test to see what he will do, but me letting him know exactly where I stand.
My brother is trying to determine how he should tell our AF that he does not want any alcohol at the rehearsal dinner and that there will be none at the wedding. I will have to see how that goes, but I plan to back my brother 100% if need be. He has every right to determine what he wants and doesn't at his special events.