I know that I'm not bipolar or manic depressive or what ever. It just... after years of numbing everything just so I don't feel what I felt while with him, it's so weird to feel any feelings on my own. - Not tied to how much XAAH did or did not drink that day, not tied to XAAH being PO'd at his co-workers or boss and therefore tiptoeing around the house so we didn't become the target of this anger... Not tied to XAAH's new job "thinking he's God" (not a god mind you, GOD) and therefore knowing it's OK to smile today...
A friend who went through a very similar situation put that time well - Afraid to Hope because Hope will kill you. Not the having Hope part; that was all fine and dandy. But because when that hope is bashed against the rocks at the bottom of the cliff, which it inevitably was, you could end up right there with it.... (If that makes any sense to any one else....)
Custody.... we'll see. Thing of it is, XAAH voluntarily gave up legal custody and physical custody. So I feel kind of like I'm whining about nothing, but at the same time that the judge said good, that's the way this was going any way, and then gave him nearly every weekend any way. Supervised visits, but overnight visits supervised by his family and new enabler/future abuse victim...
Even though I have legal custody, XAAH was still able to tell me NO, I could not take DS on a 2-week vacation to the Cook Islands (a free trip for DS and I, BTW) because he would not work with me on switching the visitation around. And then this recent hullabaloo.
But then I remember the look on his face when he realized I was talking with Fred again and it's not just my family that knows about what he did and continues to do. And I remember I have valid reasons for trying to protect DS and to keep us both safe. And I am not alone any more.