Floss

I haven't posted on here for quite a while now. I am an adult child of an alcoholic father and pill popping mother. I have had relationships with chronic alcoholics. I have been battling my own addiction/obsession to people, places and things.

When I first posted, I'd come out of a long term relationship with my partner. He, unfortunately, is in the grip of chronic alcoholism. As they say in AA, alcoholics don't have relationships, they take hostages. It's now two years since I separated from this partner and I still find it difficult breaking away from my him, but I'm getting better and have learnt through my own 12 step recovery program to detach a lot more.

I've also discovered my own addictions. I was attending Al-Anon and finding I was getting agitated and frustrated with during the meetings. It was no accident I found myself in an AA meeting last October, this time not as a support for my adddicted partner, but for myself. I felt I was going insane. It's no accident I found myself relating during the ID meeting. I too had always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, had the feelings of restlessness and irritability, had fears and phobias. I too, in the last two years had found myself picking up a drink and not being able to stop, binging large quantities of alcohol in an attempt to disassociate from the pain of my break up but, I was not like the other alcoholics there, not like my exes, not like my father. I wasn't a daily drinker. What does that make me then?

I decided to find out. I discovered the characteristics of an adult child of an alcoholic. This gave me some relief from my mental confusion when I came to realise I have the characteristics of the alcoholic whether I pick up a drink or not.

I already knew I was a codie...I couldn't ignore that one. I was chronic and my dis-ease had progressed. I was in the last stages of co-dependency.

I found one person in AA I connected with straight away. He's an older, sober member. He is not my sponsor as it's suggested women have female sponsors, men have male sponsors. He has helped me understand and work out where I'm at.

I was finding I didn't fit in Al-anon and was questioning whether I had a right to take up a chair in AA. I felt a huge burden on my shoulders. My friend knew this and asked me this question. It was asked of him when he was trying to work out whether he was an alcoholic, drug addict, gambler or codie.

"What did you pick up first?" My answer was easy. "Alcohol", I replied. "I was 15 and I had my first drink and was paraletic and I continued to drink like that for years until I stopped". His answer to that was "Well, I would say, and it's only my opinion, that you're an alcoholic and everything you've done since, you've done alcoholically" Light bulb moment!!

I finally had my answer. Alcohol is in the bottle, the ism is in me. All these years, I've lived a chaotic existance. I've swapped one obsession for another. Alcohol, pot, fitness fanatic, addiction to unhealthy relationships, alcoholic partners, addictions to my tarot cards, alcohol, people pleasing..it goes on and on. Alcoholism, co-dependency, any addiction, is about filling the void within. It's about distracting myself from the pain. For me, guilt is a heavy contender. I've made many a decision to avoid the feelings of guilt as I don't like to see other people suffer. My own suffering is okay. I can handle it. Even as a child, I used to say I'd rather hurt myself than others.

Now I realise others may need to feel the consequences of their behaviours and actions. I have a hard enough time keeping my side of the street clean. No-one's there caretaking me. What gives me the right to take over someone elses's responsibility under the guise of being 'helpful'.

In the past, I believed I had a good heart and was helping people because I could. I was understanding and empathic. I still am, but I have my dark side, we all do. One person I wasn't helping was me. My friend from AA said to me a few months back that I would eventually need to do the steps, but it would take me time. I mentioned the fourth step and said I didn't believe I'd harmed anyone. I knew I'd been harmed my whole life. I was, however, a good person. I put other people before me afterall.

He, knowingly and gently said "That's fair enough but you may be surprised what you discover when you take that step".

He suggested I not take that step for quite a while. I went to the steps meeting anyway. I came out crazier than when I went in. Me having resentments? Since then, I've realised I have so many resentments. Obviously they were there all along, it's just that I'd distracted myself for 40 years with people, places and things in order to avoid looking at myself to deeply. Maybe the denial served a purpose at the time. It kept me alive. Continuing to stay in denial now though, will be the end of me.

My resentments keep adding up. They're all coming up in order to be let go of. "Nothing will make an alcoholic (or anyone with the isms), sicker than resentment and self-pity", my friend from AA tells me. And he's right. My buried and repressed anger has caused havoc in my world. Many of my decisions have been made to 'help others', to have them accept me. I've looked after others and haven't looked after me. Why did I skip having pap smears for six years? I was focused on my partners health. I have just recently been operated on twice for 'cancer in situ' in my cervical area. Was my self esteem so low that I didn't think I was worthy of looking after myself? Did it take a serious medical situation for me to start caring for me?

Self pity...I asked for an explanation about that one as I didn't want to chalk up another resentment. Self pity...the explanation is obvious. It also includes feeling unworthy, not good enough. I'm guilty of that. As for guilt...I now feel my guilt and try to live each day and make decisions that are good for me even if I attach unwarranted guilt to it.

Planning...my AA friend told me that alcoholics (or other people with the 'isms', adult children etc) can plan "but don't plan the outcome" he said. He said "when we make plans, we seem to plan all these amazing outcomes. This will happen, that will happen, we'll earn this, live here, do that. We live in a fantasy world where everything will turn out exactly as we fantasised in our head". Then when things don't work out, we build up resentments, we lose hope, blame others...all things that see the progression of our dis-ease.

He said the dis-ease is progressive whether we pick up or not. (picking up includes relationships and obessions with other addicts, substance abuse etc). I couldn't understand that one and asked for an explanation. He explained that our dis-ease is three fold. It's mental, spiritual and physical. Removing the physical part of the disease, ie, the drug of choice whether that be a person or a substance, still leaves the mental and spiritual. He said this spiritual malady is what needs addressing daily otherwise the madness will progress. This I related to as I've noticed over the years the madness in my head progressing.

I've learned to take things one day at a time. People don't understand that I can't make future, long term goals. It's not healthy for me to do so right now. I can only take it a day at a time. What a relief! I now ask for God's will in situations. When I get the feeling to help someone, or do something for someone, I ask myself whether God has put that in my heart or whether I'm feeling 'obligated' or 'compelled' to help which is part of my addiction. I don't want to add to my resentments so I stand back now and hand over my control issues and allow others to walk their journey as I have decided not to do for others what they're capable of doing for themselves. This does not mean I don't care for others. It means I check my motivations first. And, I don't get it right all the time. I still continue to fall off my codie wagon. Except now, I'm learning to put the whip away and not be so hard on myself.

The fantasy has gone out of my relationships. The magical thinking doesn't have a place in my life anymore. I'm starting to catch up on years of neglect. Neglect for my health, physical, mental and spiritual. Cleaning out garages, the ones in my home and the ones in me. I'm slowly starting to get some order in my life. Order out of chaos.

I'm so very grateful to sober recovery, to my special AA friend and to the 12 step program. Recovey is a journey and it's not an easy road. It's a very rewarding road though and I'm glad I'm on it...one day at a time...