Cyranoak, thanks for the advice. When I say she puts her needs before that of her daughter's I don't mean that she spends time in support groups, I mean that she uses her child as a bargaining chip in disputes with my bf. She rarely allows him to see her and it is not because she feels the girl would be at risk with him. If he moved back with her she would allow him to be with her alone immediately.
I have tried more than one alanon meeting, but I know she has friends at them in all neighboring areas. I guess should focus more on the program because I do like what it teaches, and worry less about whether someone with the wrong intentions is listening to me. I guess I just wish the support group was exactly that, and personalities were left out.