Winding up my vacation at the beach. Having such a nice time that we stayed an extra 2 days. I had to look at the calendar to actually calculate how many days of NC I have now. My son and his friend have had the best vacation of their 15 years! I have had my lonely moments, sure, and I will probably have more in the future, but it is getting easier. The longer it goes, that I don't hear from him, the more I realize how much he was NOT the man I thought he was. He told me once how hard he tried to be the man that I wanted him to be. I wish he could have seen how much I loved the man he was and I wish he didn't feel he had to drink to become someone else. I'm still scared of what the future holds for me. I have moments when I think I miss him desperately and moments when I miss "us". I force myself to relive all the times I found him drinking, all the lies, and all the crap to keep my head on straight.
I took a long walk on the beach early one morning alone. I found a seashell and wrote in the sand. "I loved you **** - goodbye". I slowly walked away, watching the tide come in and wash my words away and then they were gone.......I cried again, but felt a peacefulness come over me. It was my way of saying goodbye, without all the drama he would have brought into it.
