Good morning all,
Forgive me if this post is disorganized or convoluted. It is really early in the morning here. I'm sure this post is something you have heard a million times, but I need to get it out so I hope y'all bear with me. Any advice or support would be much appreciated.
I am an alcoholic in recovery. I have been sober a little over a year, and it has been a struggle, to say the least. However, I have latched on to AA like it is a life raft, and my life has changed for the better through the steps and the fellowship.
Unfortunately, I got into a relationship with another "sober" alcoholic when I was in early sobriety. I didn't meet this guy at a meeting, but on an online dating site, and I thought it was a coincidence and pretty cool that he was also a sober alcoholic. Although dating in early sobriety is discouraged, I did it anyway, of course.
A couple months ago (after being together a year....a long time for me, and my first sober relationship ever) I broke up with him because he had a negative attitude, no ambition to better his life, and was generally difficult to be around. At the time, I thought my feelings were gone but two weeks after I broke up with him he emailed me saying he was drinking and had been drinking the whole time, on and off. For some reason that devastated me because I thought I would know and I totally trusted him. He happened to tell me this the day before my belly-button birthday.
So, since I have terrible boundaries and felt bad and missed him and didn't want to be alone, when he had a week of sobriety I gave him another chance. Not something I should have done, and I beat myself up about it daily. Then of course he lied about drinking and did it again, even though I asked him daily if he was drinking. His sister told me, otherwise I probably would not have known. When he admitted he was drinking, it happened to be my sobriety birthday. The selfishness of this disease baffles me, even though I KNOW I was like this toward other people when I was drinking, and I'm still selfish and self-centered, though to a lesser degree by virtue of the steps. I broke up with him, but I have a terrible time with no contact.
So I am here because my feelings are totally chaotic about this, and I am so angry. I want so badly to try to control him and force him to go to meetings and get a sponsor, and yadda, yadda, yadda, because I know it works since it worked for me. Then I feel guilty because I know I am not his higher power and he is in God's hands, and this is not my problem. I texted him last night and lectured him, which now I feel guilty about.
Any words of support or wisdom are appreciated. Just not quite sure how to deal with my own feelings, and especially to do so without drinking.