During your recovery, I hope this is one of the things you finally discover. I hope you realize that you have been in denial if you ever thought, "the kids didn't know".
Great post, Skipper! And great title. Because it is one of those lies that we as codies have to believe in order to continue enabling. I've thought a lot about those lately -- how the alternative reality the A spins is one we're part of, and how many lies we tell ourselves (just like the A does) in order to not have to change the status quo we hate. It's mindboggling. And I think this particular lie is important because it's one I told myself exactly in order to not have to do anything about it: "At least the kids don't know, and it's better for them if I stay."
Of course they knew.