Originally Posted by wellnowwhat

"During your recovery, I hope this is one of the things you finally discover. I hope you realize that you have been in denial if you ever thought, "the kids didn't know".

Hi! I kinda feel this is directed my way since I recently said that the kids did not know on another thread.

During the early years my AH drank after the kids went to bed, after I went to bed, after the soccer practises and school events etc. He didn't drink at family events, (openly anyway). He stopped drinking openly in front of the kids when they were very, very young. He was so secretive and so concerned about being a good dad, that I think he, to a good extent, accomplished that. The secretative part of it made me half crazy though wondering is he or isn't he for a looooong time.

If they sensed something it would probably be my codie behaviour: tension and silences. Not arguments, we never argued when the kids were home. But even I, even after knowing what was going on, because it was so well hidden, could forget for months and life would be relatively normal.

After they all were away for college it escalated, and quickly. I felt I had to be sure they knew because I didn't want them to get in the car with him when they came home. When I told them, each individually, they had been at college and/or lived away for at least a year or more. When I told two of them, they could not disguise the shock on their faces. The other one, who had been around home more lately, had figured out something but didn't know the extent. At that point they had not seen him drunk, no police, no DUI, no lost jobs, no falling down, no drama.

We've had many heart to hearts about this, as you can imagine (the kids and I), and we're good at getting things out that bug us, even in uncomfortable situations. We've talked about their childhood and their memories and I believe them when they say they did not know.

I think when they are older and have their own kids, they might put more things together, have more memories float back and have some serious thoughts to think over.

Yes, they are probably not untouched by this hidden drinking and more likely by my reactions to it, although they wouldn't know at the time why I might have been testy, but I don't think their experience is typical from what I've heard at Alanon (3 years) or read on these boards.

I don't think I am in denial, and I don't mean to disrespect your experience, but this is how I think, and how they say, it played out in our family.

p.s. The "kids" are all mid-twenties and more. The talk, and the crisis they did experience was 4 years ago.