((Tuffgirl)) I can certainly hear your frustration. Completely understandable. It's like the pot calling the kettle black.
I have experienced the same thing in my relationships be they work or family. It's kind of human nature, I think. Sadly, I don't know that anyone can change the knee-jerk defense of family unless they really accept that THAT is what they are doing.
The only thing I can share is that if I discuss the topic calmly with the defensive person at a time other than "in the heat of the moment", it helped.
Hugs, HG