Thank you for your wonderful post. It got me thinking to back when we were dating years ago. Just after we got together he left a well-paying very secure union job to work with a bar band that paid so little it cost us for him to work with them. (Um, red flag?)
I had a secure job, and savings, and I supported his dream while he worked and travelled with the band; he was away about half the time.
I was concerned with his work situation contributing to him becoming a drinker, when in actually he probably sought out a situation that enabled him. I use to warn: "be careful, have a coke or water every second round".
Soon, when I would arrive at the bar he would ignore me, and after the set and he would go sit with other people even though he knew I was there. He would say that "this is my business, I have to connect with the people that come out to see us, so they keep coming out and we keep getting hired". It took me forever to figure out that he was doing this so coming to the bar would not be fun for me and I would quit coming out. Pressure off, he could drink unobserved. It worked!
He was the bar guy and I was the responsible one, supporting us, looking after home and kids. Primed for my role of being a full-fledged codie controlling the house and kids etc. while he reluctantly played grown up while looking for the next party.
Years later, at a soccer tournament, at the hotel in the evening, sharing drinks with the other soccer parents, he is more than half-lit and says: "let's go out and do something really FXXXing stupid". It happened in slow motion for me. The clarity of the realization of where he was, a 30-something soccer coach trapped in a party-hearty teenage mindset, smacked me on the forehead, while the other parents looked on aghast. I felt so very, very alone at that moment and for a long time afterwards. I was so out-of-tune of what I thought our marriage was and where he was. Not long after this he managed to make the soccer tournaments so uncomfortable for me with being so rude and neglectful that I stopped going to these as well.
I don't know that I actually changed, I never was the party girl, always the designated driver, always the responsible one. But my expectation was for him to grow up and that was the mistake. He never said he wanted to change, or mature, or anything like that. Although being a good dad was important to him, and he was. For years and years, the drinking took place after the kids were in bed.
Not sure where I am going with this, but your post resonated with me and I'm looking back on these things that I haven't thought about for years. Thank you.