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Old 07-17-2011, 05:18 PM
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TakingCharge999
A jug fills drop by drop
 
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hwsm ((HUGS))

The first days are the worst but they will pass. Cry all you need.

I recommend "The language of letting go", "The Grief club" and "Codependent no more" all books by Melody Beatty. Her compassion and wisdom is extraordinary.

Remember the deal breakers and bad moments too.

Do you like anything more than french toast? why not prepare it the next Sunday, make a new tradition? or add an extra to the french toast.

Syrup
Dulce de leche
Blueberry jam
Spreadable cheese

So you remember it can be better without him? I don't know it sounds dumb but these kind of things helped me. Or cook something entirely different?

You are mourning and it will all pass. I went to AA because it was close and I also wanted to mark 24 hours of No contact. Many days it was my only goal, to get through the day and go to a meeting. Withdrawal symptoms that are not so different from alcoholics..

Everyone was wonderful/ I always arrived teary (you could wear glasses if you are afraid!) and they welcomed me and the insight and experiences they offered were priceless. You don't have to explain anything or talk to anyone if you don't want to.

To have alcoholics share what its like for them, see what recovered ones are like, and have them listen to you and tell you you made the right choice, was very healing to me. It was like talking to healthier versions of the ex. Everyone arrives hitting bottom and suffering a great deal, no one judges you.

Believe me I isolated for MONTHS before I asked for help and I got almost suicidal and suffered way too much all alone. Its not worth it. When I went to AA, told my mom I was sad, went to therapy, posted in SR like crazy I opened my heart for fellow human beings to help me and support me and made me feel like someone understood and cared and that I was not going crazy, that others had gone through the same and survived and had a better life afterwards.

Well all that was 2.5 years ago. These days I laugh all day... I love life... I can't sleep, because I am too excited and having many ideas about what I want to do... its all about me now... my hairdo! my health, my joy, my wardrobe, my music, my tastes, my freedom, my plans, my interests, my sports, my talents, my hobbies, my true friends, my spiritual family....

I am having an affair with life and taking myself to places I enjoy and doing activities that fill my soul (music, arts etc)... all this, because I kept no contact and asked for professional help and have been honest with myself... had to take responsibility for my pain and my choices... and start to love myself and be kind to myself. And LEARN TO ASK FOR HELP. Pride is useless IMHO especially when going through difficult times.

This can be a time for transformation and deep healing. You are giving birth to a new you. Its going to be a struggle and it can feel like a very dark place, often. BUT everything improves little by little. Life takes you to a better place. Its an organic thing, a process.

I honestly believe I was saved from much pain and suffering. Today I am free of addiction. I am very very grateful. Have never felt this healthy ever. And the ex keeps drinking, he has not changed at all, I know because I work with him, got common contacts and he is exactly.the.same. I don't wish him good things or bad things anymore. Well I still got some anger and resentment but ahh its nothing compared to my intense feelings. Trust the process as Melody Beatty says.

I would have lost 3 years of my life waiting for the guy to change. Or the rest of my life, even. He is set to drinking. Nothing anyone can do. He drank before I met him, he drank when I was with him, he continues to drink without me - I have nothing to do with his problem.

I hope you can get those books, I hope you can ask for a hug if you need it, honestly mourning an alcoholic was the most painful thing in my life and the only thing I regret is not having asked for help sooner. Therapy has been my main source of support. I also went to group therapy and also arrived all teary without even being able to talk... then I hear how it is like for people who married addicts and got sons /daughters that also turned addicts or married an addict, listen to the endless cycle of suffering... this helps put things in perspective... even if I felt so bad , honestly it was nothing compared to what could have happened to my life if I continued to be there with XABF. A man in AA told me "you don't even know what pain is" when I shared my story... not in a dismissive way, more like "it could have been so much worse, be grateful you woke up in time to save your life".

Keep posting here, we get it. I've posted about the same things over and over again, over 5k posts already LOL and they haven't kicked me out! share all you need to.

Life goes on and has so many wonderful gifts in store for you. Your story goes on. I was told this when I was feeling horrible and didn't believe it. Well they were right. IT gets SO much better. Keep no contact. Remember the HALT rule. Take care of the basics. More will be revealed. Resort to your faith if you are spiritual or religious.

PM me if you wish, I am a good listener...
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