nb,
I understand what you are expressing, and think they we need to honor our gut feelings (feels like when he was drinking) as they indicate when something is not quite right.
I guess I am in the minority, as I was not going to see anything amiss with the kids going over to the sober house. But, as I AM in the minority, I will defer to the wisdom of this group.
I would agree that he is hiding behind the skirts of the AA/Recovery circle he is in. He is avoiding what the next logical step would be for you two, and your family. He's fearful for sure. Your plan sounds reasonable; follow through with it. I would suggest not placing judgments when you speak to him, just non-emotionally tell him that this is what you need to have happen to move forward....or to not.