I have been living through other peoples hopes and expectations and dreams for so long, that I dont have any hope, dreams and expectations for myself.......all of mine have revolved around someone else for so many years.....this is amazing......I dont know if I have live my life ever........I live to please my parents, then I live to please my first husband, then my kids and now my second husband.......whatever there hope and dreams were I made them mine...........I didnt have any of my own...........I have been asked many times.......what are my goals............what are my dreams............what do I want to do in the future........what are my ambitions..........they were all based on somone elses opionions..........If my parents didnt agree then I must be wrong........So I would change it, even though I may not have wanted to......
I can think of one example that sticks out in my mind so strongly..........After I had my first daughter....I felt my life was so complete.....I had decided that I was not going to raise her anything like my parents did.........I have read alot of books on child rearing.........I loved them.........one particular book stood out in my mind......."Good Kids, Bad Behavior" by James Dobson...........Wow did that make a lasting impression on me............I would never tell my daughter that she was a bad girl......I would always tell her........Ashley that is bad behvior and I want you to stop that behavior..........I would always take the time to explain to her that she was a very good girl and that I loved her very much but sometimes her behavior wasnt acceptable.......
It made my mom sick......that I did that..........she had made fun of me...........she told one of my other siblings that if she hers me say bad behvior one more time it would make her sick.............as a young mom (24) that hurt my feelings tremendously.......I knew what I was doing was right......but in front of my mom in the next month or so later......I said something to my daughter that was quite typical for my mom to say...........and I stopped saying in front of my mom Bad behavior............(isnt that pathetic) I wasnt able to stand up for my beliefs and my opinions then and I still cant.......when I am around a bunch of people holding a conversation...........what I thought or my opinions didnt matter.....so I would never say much.......I have always did what everbody else agreed on no matter if I wanted to or not..........I always thought that I wasnt important enough........and what would it hurt anyway.....I will still have fun doing what they wanted.........
Does this make sense to anyone else.......I have never learned to be a seperate individual and go with what my hopes and dreams and expectations were.............and since I didnt matter for so many years (I thought) I probably have alot of hidden resentment toward alot of things......because I felt my needs never really mattered much.........