hwsm

I am so sorry. I absolutely know what you are going through! I was and still am heartbroken. I gave him chance after chance after chance!! I just keep telling myself how much I deserve better. I gave way more than I got. I cannot be with him when he's drinking BF. I just try to remember all the broken promises, telling my that I was hassling or nagging him. Remembering how he somehow made it seem like it was my fault. I put too much pressure on him and made things worse.
I am trying the no contact thing for now. My grief comes in waves. Sometimes it seems almost like a death; he's just gone. I am realizing through friends and this site that I can't change him. Really, as much as I want him to be the man I knew before - he just can't be. That person wasn't real. I've read how alcoholics are masterminds at deception and always "re-inventing" themselves. I don't think HE even knows who he is anymore. Alcoholism sucks. Every time I gave him another chance, it took a little piece of my heart away. I knew eventually, one day, that I would say "enough".
I can't say that I'll never give him another chance. I know that I am forever hopeful. I found out that I am a recovering Pollyannish moron. lol Maybe, I think, if he got 6 months sober under his belt........maybe a year...........then I would consider giving him another shot. But in the meantime, I need to take care of me and my kids. Somebody has to do it and he's not up to the job, for sure. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Maybe I'll be around or maybe I won't. I'm not sure what the future holds.
I hope you find some comfort here. This site has helped me tremendously. I vent a lot, but most importantly...I'm a good listener too. I don't have any advice but I can sure feel your pain sweetie. I'm sending good thoughts your way.
Peace.