Boy, do I understand where you're coming from!
This is where blaming (ourselves, the alcoholic) gets us into trouble. Both sides start off in a state of denial. When you're in denial (and denial, BY DEFINITION, is something you aren't consciously aware of--you're in denial that you're in denial, so to speak), you don't see things clearly, you can't accept because you CAN'T accept, and you both go round and round with nobody actually SEEING what is really happening.
So it's much better, more satisfying, to let go of blaming ourselves for what we were incapable of knowing, and to let go of blaming the alcoholic for what he/she is incapable of knowing. Somebody has to make the first move, or nothing changes.
I think you are progressing by leaps and bounds. We are gonna have to start calling you "flying squirrel" instead of "scaredy".