wanttobehealthy

Having some flashes of realizing a lot of things due to some good T sessions and things I'm reading that others are saying that are making me think about my own issues... I'm writing this to get it out and to sort out my thoughts and am doing it here as opposed to my own solitary journal bc I get so much out of others' stories and figure if anyone can relate or get something from this then it's worth having shared it... No need to feel obligated to read it...

I've realized that alcohol was pretty much the basis of my relationship with AH from the start... I was talking to my T about this recently-- I guess I'm processing letting go of what I thought our marriage was and realizing, much like I did a year ago with regard to my FOO, that what I pretended my marriage was and what it has actually been are 2 entirely different things. And oddly, both the good and the bad that have been a part of my marriage all have alcohol at the root of those experiences/occassions.

When we were dating, whenever we got together alcohol was involved in some way-- go for a hike... get drinks afterward (always his idea!), go to the ocean... get drinks with lunch... I didn't think this was abnormal either. I remember my sister once saying something to me like "it's nice to hear that you did something with him that didn't have to involve him drinking" when I told her about some outing we'd had and I recall being angry that she was so judgemental. Never once occurred to me that I should be concerned about his drinking. I saw his dad (an alcoholic) as a man with drinking problems-- not AH (ABF at the time). His dad drank in isolation, was outwardly angry and snapped at everyone all the time. He drank vodka from the bottle and hid out in his room all day. AH at the time was a fun drinker-- expressed emotions when drinking (something he didn't do when he was sober). He charmed everyone, he was good looking, adventurous, athletic, a rule breaker and the overall effect had me enamored. His dad was the image of a man with a drinking problem and at that time I didn't see that AH had a thing in common with him. I just figured that he liked to drink and so what if it seemed he drank a lot-- he could handle it.

I found myself, a 1-2 glass of wine occassionally drinker, drinking more and more to have something in common with him. Drinking shots on a worknight and being flattered that AH wanted to spend time with me at a bar... Sick.

When I grew up and outgrew that lifestyle (after we'd been together a year he went to grad school and I moved to another state and we had a long distance r/s for 2 yrs and my lifestyle changed pretty much as soon as I moved) and he didn't I started realizing that the only positive times we had together required one of us or both of us to be drinking. If he was drinking and I wasn't, things could still be pleasant, if we both were drinking he was nicer to me than ever... It was like I joined a special club or something... But more and more we had less and less in common. I moved back to New England, started law school and dropped out later that yr bc AH said he wasn't sure he was comfortable committing to me to be around that area for 3 yrs and would prefer that I had the flexibility of teaching and could move anywhere if we were to get engaged. Bam- law school was done and I went back to teaching. HUGE regret to this day. As it turned out he came back to the area and I would have been fine to stay in law school and he;d have been around. I guess seeing me pulling away and happy with my new path wasn't something he wanted and I was so sick and co dependent and ???? that I couldn't see what was happening.

When I was pregnant with both girls and obviously did not drink (and AH's drinking was clearly increasing) I realized how much I disliked his non-drinking personality. He was angry, irritable and generally unpleasant to be around. And when he drank he was no longer the open, expressing feelings, nice guy he once was. Sad but the only times I can remember AH opening up to me and "exposing" his inner self so to speak were when he was drinking. When we dated I used to sometimes hope that we'd wind up somewhere with him having a few drinks bc that was when he was at his best. I certainly didn't encourage him to drink but I do recall enjoying who he was when he was drinking and not having a CLUE that that ought to have been a big red flag. Unreal how oblivious/naive I was.

The best memories of my r/s with him and the worst memories all involve alcohol. I don't know how else I thought this would end. I guess it was naive to think that we could party and drink like we did in our 20's and assume that he'd outgrow it just as I did. I don't think that AH is the one who has changed-- I think I have. I am not the woman he fell in love with-- I am a lot different, want different things and have different priorities. He wanted those same things (kids, house etc) but also wanted to keep up the lifestyle of no responsibility and we've clashed for years over this.

I told him recently that I genuinely am sorry and I am, for all the ways, times etc... I've tried to impose my lifestyle and my wants on to him. Its been unfair and unreasonable. Oddly, when I said this (and more) his response was to take responsibility and tell me that what I've expected is normal and what should be expected. It's as if he is desperately trying to find anything to do/say to keep me around as a scapegoat bc once I am gone he will have to a) look at himself or b) start to go downhill faster than he already is and I think he knows this.

What's important to me is that I really really see that he's let me know consistently for years who he is and its been me/my denial/my naivete- whatever it was... that didn't allow me to see things as they were and make a decision based on that. I've made decisions for years based on what I hoped would happen, what I wished for, what I was willing to do to make happen and all that led to was hurt, resentment, anger... All my own doing. I expected AH to be someone he isn't. I expected him to want the same things I did (and to my credit I expected this not bc I pulled it from thin air but bc he said he wanted these things too). I didn't look around and take stock of what was. I kept looking for answers, reasons, explanations-- in a lot of ways not all that different than AH's efforts to justify/continue his drinking...

There seem to be a lot of pieces clicking in T, in my own head, from talks with friends... I took a break from this site and another and just made myself take time to make some decisions alone without opinions from others and forced myself to make those choices on my own... I think that that was necessary in order for me to get over the spot I was stuck in-- where I was still clinging to "but maybe things can change". I had to face myself honestly, I did a lot with my sponsor and I struggled and felt a lot of sadness... But the end result (and I still have a long way to go) is that I have moved past another place of pretending and it feels good. I am sure there are many more steps on that path to take but being here vs where I've been for a few months feels so much better...