Tuffgirl

Hhhmmm...with all due respect, KittyP, I didn't read it that way at all. I suppose we all have our own subjective interpretations (of this post and the concept of unconditional love) but what I got out of this is the idea of influence vs. control. I wanted influence in my marriage. I didn't have any because its impossible to have influence with someone who is addicted to a substance. The substance rules. So I took the idea of "influence" to the nth degree and it became control. I got very controlling with my husband and his drinking...make threats that I didn't follow up on, threw my own tantrums, was mean and harsh and judgmental...all under my own denial of what "having influence" really meant. For a period of time, I was desperately trying to control his behavior to control my own emotions - I was looking outside of ME and thinking if only he would (fill in the blank) then I would feel better. If he really loved me and our family, he would stop this craziness. He didn't stop when I demanded it, therefore I mistakenly believed he didn't love us. I was wrong about that. He couldn't stop because he wasn't ready to make the commitment to do whatever it would take to stop. That choice had nothing to do with me or love or anything else.

Cy, correct me if I am wrong but that was what I got out of this thread. Many of us go through this same experience of thinking we have some sort of influence over the substance when in fact, we really don't.