Thank you, everyone. He came back into the house later last night. I had showered and was in bed. I spoke very calmly. I said if this is the man he wants to be, then great, go for it, but this isn't the man I want or the man I deserve, that I had considered demanding he get into rehab within the week, but I had changed my mind. I said that he had to do that for himself and that hopefully for HIS sake, someday he would. I told him that our marriage is what it is. I also told him that I won't keep the kids from him. He can see them as much as he likes (they are 18, 14 and almost 12). His response was "That would be wise." OMG. That infuriated me, but I kept my cool and didn't even respond to that comment.
I've been reading about detachment. I logged into an online Al-Anon meeting on Wed night. Strangely, I feel almost a peace about this. I've not felt this before. I take and take and take off of people in my life until one day, I just wake up and that's it. I'm done and there is NOTHING they can do to regain my relationship with them. I think I'm there with him. Of course, tomorrow might be a different story, but for today, I am okay with never having him in my life again. I am not perfect but I don't deserve the crap sandwich I've been given the past 6 years. He needs help, not just with alcohol but with PTSD from Iraq. He will only do just enough to satisfy me with the PTSD. He is not an advocate for his own health. It drives me crazy. He's content with living like this.
There are a few things I am changing starting today. First, I didn't wake him up when his alarm went off. That's over. I'm tired of trying to get him up for 20 mins every morning because he is so lethargic from drinking the night before. From now on, he will get himself up or be late for work. Maybe getting fired would be good for him. Next, I am no longer financially supporting his habit. My check will go into my own, private account. He will still pay the bulk of the bills out of his check, but if he is overdrawn from his cigarettes and alcohol, so be it. I will NOT spend another dime of the money I sit here and earn. That money will go for food and things for me and my children.