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Old 07-08-2011, 02:52 PM
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djayr
Lord Have Mercy
 
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Having a REALLY hard time ending it

Hi everyone--

I posted here in January when my AW was unfaithful and I finally had enough, so we separated and I filed for divorce. I was uneasy about how it was going to work, but she was drunk and I was fed up, so we were on the path toward divorce.

I started reading books on codependence and confirmed how totally messed up I am, a big-time people pleaser, conflict avoider, and wanting everyone to like me no matter what.

Then in April AW had a siezure and went into recovery. After a few weeks in the hospital, she asked if she could come home and I let her. The alternative was to go back living with another man, a bad situation that I did not want to perpetuate.

She moved home and we slept in separate bedrooms for a month. I was literally scared of her because of how much she hurt me, I didn't trust her ability to be faithful, truthful, or sorry -- but over the past 2 months she has been really, really nice and in time (deja vu) we basically starting giving our relationship another chance.

My friends and family were pretty disappointed, I just really didn't know what to do. I love her, I see the kindness and sweetness in her, how much she loves me, and most of all her clear-headed sobriety -- and I just can't go through with the divorce -- so I put it off until September by extending a deadline.

Now that deadline is only 7 weeks away, and within the past couple of weeks AW is starting to act a little strange. Maybe buzzed on something, probably not alcohol (she's on Anabuse), but something wasn't right. It made me sick, actually made me dislike her intensely -- so I asked her if she was on something and she swears, no, she's not.

Ever since I got freaked out by her strange behavior I realize how incredibly sensitive I am to her mood and frame of mind. It seems that I am unable to detach from her, in fact, I am as attached and "obsessed" with the relationship as ever -- which is know is stinking thinking.

Last night I revealed to her that this might not be working. I said I wanted more time for myself to realize my independent thoughts and dreams, and that I needed some space. I also told her that I wanted a Post Nuptual agreement in order to move forward in the marriage. I have spent a lot of time, thought, and money on figuring out who gets what. If I just get back into marriage again and it blows up 1, 2, 5 years later -- I can't believe I would have to start from scratch.

When she heard all of these thoughts, she was like, wow...she thought we were on a path towards hope and healing and instead I am freaking out! So she offered me the opportunity to move out for a while. Which brings me to the reason for my post: I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT AND I CAN'T MAKE A DECISION.

I am utterly conflicted trying to please me, her, and everyone else in the peanut gallery. One of the books I read said that codies have a hard time making decisions sometimes. OMG am I ever having a hard time! I am all over the place!

Rather than move out I am going on a sabbatical this weekend by myself. Among other things, I need to quit smoking pot which has been my personal crutch for the past 17 years. I am highly functional on weed, but at this point in time I really need to think clearly, and also to have a clear conscience before God and AW to make some decisions.

This is so hard! Thanks for listening.
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