sad guilty slippery thoughts
i broke up with my alcoholic bf last week. we had broken up before but drifted back together, both of us are socially isolated and life has felt so painful, like it has such big gaping holes in it when we have broken up in the past.
it's the right decision and him getting drunk on my birthday (he is in AA, but really still actively drinking) seems like it was partly his decision too. but i find myself feeling terribly guilty about it. not guilty about breaking up, but about not being able to accept him as he was and for making him feel bad about himself, as if he was not living up to my expectations. i wasn't overtly nagging all the time, but was filled with so much fear, suspicion, and hesitation about being in the relationship at all that for some reason now i feel that was incredibly unfair and mean.
why am i blaming myself for this? i feel as though i am still hooked precisely because he did not give me what i wanted. it's so much easier to revel in these bad, guilty feelings than to take a step forward. i would love a pep talk.