Welcome to SR......this is a great forum full of wonderful people who understand how it feels to love an addict.
My son is a meth addict. He is 30. He is currently homeless. He is surviving. I'm not entirely sure how but he calls me now and then and seems to be "ok".
I have struggled (and still do in some ways) with this but here is how I handle it. I love the saying "In nature there is no punishment.....only consequences." So I think of nature and how a "mother" in nature would handle their offspring.
A mother bear will initially feed her cub as mammals do--breastfeeding. Then as she weans the cub, she'll go out and kill something and bring it back to the cub. As the cub grows she takes him out and shows him HOW to kill his own meals or forage for berries or whatever they eat. And eventually she insists that the cub move on, get his own territory, and make his own kills and find his own food.
Now imagine that cub coming back to mother bear's territory as a full grown bear and happens upon his mother and her fresh kill. And he decides that he's going to help himself to it. That mother bear would kill him....literally. It would not be allowed. It is against the laws of nature.
Now I'm not suggesting that we kill our offspring! lol But I am saying that in the human species there are laws of nature too. And personally, I worked against the laws of nature for a long time. The laws of nature are more powerful than I am.
Your story is very similar to mine. I did a lot of protecting and paying and bailing out and cajoling thinking that I could somehow get him to "see the light" and realize that a sober life is a better life. But in reality all I was doing was robbing him of the opportunity to learn the laws of nature.
He is learning those laws now. And I am loving him from a detached perspective. I'm not trying to change him or tell him how to live his life. I am not rescuing him. I am working very hard on me and attending two meetings (one Naranon one Alanon) meeting a week. I read, study, pray and am working the steps in a step study group. Quite honestly, I'm finding out so much about myself and my behavior and how I need to change. And I am realizing that I am in need of a lot of adjustment and really shouldn't be telling him or anyone how to live their life. lol
Do I worry about my son? Yes but it no longer consumes me like it once did--he is in God's hands. I'm living my life. I have found serenity even though he continues to use. Is my life perfect? Heck no.......but it's a lot better than it was.....it is no longer unmanagable. And I know that with continued work on my part, it can and will get better yet.
I hope you stick around. There are so many people here on SR who have taught me so much through their own ESH (experience, strength and hope).
You are not alone.
gentle hugs
ke