I am only a few minutes new to this board -- except that I think I recall being here some years ago and reading the same kinds of messages you're seeing now. They stuck in my mind, and helped a great deal. When I got to the point of going to Nar-Anon, it all became even clearer.
It is horrible. It hurts like hell. And there is no avoiding that, really.
For me, it's all about that simple serenity prayer -- especially accepting the things we can not change. As I just posted here, I'm the mom of a 24-year-old young woman who has everything going for her, but all destroyed to this point from heroin addiction.
It just plain HURTS, all the time. I can't lock my heart away -- the pain is there. I've struggled with this from every angle there is. I even got to the point of being suicidal myself, because if the one child I've produced amounts to nothing in this world, then what is MY purpose anymore??
That's the big question that everything hinges on... realizing that your own life does have meaning for others, beyond your addict. For that reason, you must take care of yourself.
In fact you have a real obligation to take care of yourself!
Your own life has value and meaning.
You can detach from your son's illness, to save yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love him.
In Nar-Anon, they say "detach with love." It took me a long time to understand that that isn't about being selfish -- it's about survival. They also talk of the "Three C's" -- you didn't Cause it; you can't Control it; you can't Cure it...
It is a disease that gets them, and can drag you right down with them.
I always thought I would throw myself in front of a bus -- or a ravenous tiger or anything else -- if it would save my daughter. I would literally give my life for hers. That's our instinct as mothers. But it took me awhile to realize that with this disease, throwing myself in front of that bus would NOT save her -- it would only hurt the people on earth who still need me.
It's been said that we can't take their medicine for them.
If there were anything we COULD do, mothers all over the world would be doing it!! It'd be on all the news channels as a new phenomenon!
Instead what we're experiencing is all in the shadows... With a trend of cutting spending (rather than cutting wealth-fare), the reality of what's happening in our suburbs -- all across the country -- stays invisible. No politician will address it. It's all secret.
But you aren't alone. It's epidemic. In some areas it's meth, and in others (like mine) it's heroin. If ever a terrorist wanted to hurt this nation, could they do any better than this?!
"How does a mother just stop??" You can't stop caring and you can't stop hurting -- believe me, I know.
You can only stop what you've been doing -- and only with the realization that it is not helping, it's simply enabling. Addicts need to confront stark realities about their own responsibilities before they can come around. (I know that the dice we roll is about whether or not they will SURVIVE those realities.)
Sorry to go on and on -- my first post on this board. Hope some part of this was helpful.