Woke up today and right off the bat I was feeling really down and depressed. Feeling really overwhelmed by everything and just unhappy with life in general, it's a lot of sadness all around type feeling.
Was up for a little bit when I realized that I also had had a dream about XABF last night. In it I remember we were together in a room and I wanted to have sex wit him because I missed him, only to have him say no. ????? Wondering what to even think about me having a dream like that yikes.
Anyway, I know my situation hasn't changed so this sadness and situational depression is something that I deal with on a regular basis. It's not just new to today. I think the difference is that I just woke up today feeling tired and not wanting to fight the good fight to keep my head out of the gutter. I know life is all about how you perceive it, and your perception is what either makes you happy or sad ultimately. But sometimes I'm just tired of constantly having to mentally work for it and try so hard to find the good. It is REALLY HARD work.
I remember when I was with XABF there were days that I could just sit and be happy and not have to WORK for it. I miss that feeling. A feeling of contentment. It was kind of like at least since I had him to hold my hand every step of the way everything else would be okay. And now it feels like life is a battle on my own. I'm tired of trying to fight everyday. To fight and tell myself that I'm better off without him, or that I will someday figure out my relationship with my mom, or that I will learn to feel okay in life on my own.
I'm rambling, but thanks for listening.