L,
You are making me think so I am going to back track to how expectations made me nuts.
I had a preconceived idea of what a marriage and family should be. I expected my son to do reasonably well in school, to be honest and I suppose, be happy. My expectations were reasonable, I thought and I kept my hopes to myself. In marriage I expected to have my needs met, to have an honest spouse who was faithful, who worked, took care of the cars, lawn etc. I expected a spouse to be a bang up father and a supportive husband.
Those were my expectations.
As time went on the Beav began lying, failing in school, he became disrespectful, argumentative and very unhappy. The drinking entered about this time. Ward became angry, controlling and bitter about the Beav's behavior and not at all supportive about how I felt. His drinking became a problem then as well.
My expectations of how things should be are what kept me trying to control the outcome. I kept trying to get my family to line up and meet them. They refused and I went slowly crazy.
Enter Alanon. That is when I first learned the concept of boundaries..of what I will and will not accept in my life. And that I have choices. Expectations are about wanting things to be a certain way and when they aren't a co-dependent like me does not give up the fight. They triggered my need to control.
I still think my expectations were realistic. But they made me a very sick individual for a period of time. If I expect Ward to not drink at night I am setting myself up. If I expect the Beav not to lie....same deal. If I accept reality for what it is and know my boundaries I see a lot clearer.
Make sense?
JT