Old 07-02-2011, 09:41 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
chloe214
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 10
Not serious about recovery and setting boundaries

Hello,

Need Advice...

I have been reading so much on this site about setting boundaries, detaching, enabling, dealing with consequences of actions, etc. It's a lot to take in.

I posted earlier about my sister who is in a sober house right now. This weekend my parents and my nieces (2 yr and 4 yr old daughters of alcoholic sister in sober house) are coming over my house to watch the 4th of July fireworks. I invited my other sister who has not talked to my sister since she has been in the sober house. My mom has this grand idea of bringing my alcoholic sister over to watch the fireworks with us but doesn't want to get my other sister upset.

Last night, my sister came over and we saw that my alcoholic sister had recently posted on her facebook(have no idea how b/c she is on some restrictions at the sober house so I didn't think she had access to this or her phone) some disturbing messages to a guy she started seeing in day therapy who is a heroin addict. This guy was the one she was with when she had her last episode of getting drunk and landed her back in treatment. He took her car and her phone (which she finally got back with the help of my mother) as well as $400 dollars out of her bank account. He called my mother and said we were all disrespectful and that we are all crazy. He also flipped out on the Sober House mother and is not allowed to have any contact or my sister gets in some trouble whatever that means. My sister told my mother she wanted nothing to do with him. Well come to find out, she messaged him on face book saying she was getting her phone turned back on and that she misses him and can't wait to see him and that she is giving him her car that is in her husbands name. I think this is clearly a sign that she is not serious is her recovery. I know she has to own this herself and I cannot force her to be serious but what are the consequences?

I also had to bring her daughter to her dentist appointment that my mother set up. I picked up my sister at the sober house so she could be with her daughter. My mother asked her to get her daughters previous dental records sent over to the new dentist for 3 days. The morning of the appointment, my mother called her to make sure she did this and my sister hung up on her because she clearly didn't take care of her responsibilities. I didn't know any of this until after the appointment. So taking time out of my day, on top of the time and money I spent, was a complete waste. They couldnt do anything for my niece bc they needed those records. I'm sorry but this is really poor on my sisters part. I don't want my niece to suffer and its a matter of her health. Why should she get to go to these appointments that my mother sets up if she can't hold up her end? Can my sister even be expected to do these things for her daughters right now? If not, what should her involvement be?

With all that being said, I don't want her at my house. Is that wrong? I don't think she deserves to be around the family and see the fireworks. I want my other sister to be there and not worry about dealing with her. How can I create boundaries for myself and coexist with my parents, sisters, and nieces? I feel like I have to choose one over the other. I would gladly welcome my sister into my house if she was serious in her recovery but I am beginning to think this is all a big joke to her. She gets to get up whenever she wants, goes to sleep whenever she wants, and doesn't have to take care of her kids. She went to the beach last week with her sober house roommates, goes out for ice cream, goes to sober dances etc. while we are all living our life making sure her girls are safe on top of going to work and maintaining relationships with our own families. What a nice life she has.

Wherever my alcoholic sister decides she wants to be on the 4th of July is probably where my mom, dad, and nieces will end up. We all want to be with the girls. If I detach from my sister, it will complicate my relationship with my mother bc I don't think she will understand and think I am punishing my sister for her disease. Her whole life revolves around her. Every time we talk its all about my alcoholic sister. It makes it even more difficult because of her young daughters that we are all trying to be there for and who clearly want to see their mom. It doesn't seem fair. Sorry for the self pity. I am getting annoyed and feel like everyone is living their life around her. I'm back to being angry and my skin is crawling. We are all tired.

Any thought would be much appreciated. Maybe I am being to hard on her.

BTW What is the policy on names here? It's getting confusing identifying who I am talking about. I have 3 sisters....

Thank you!
chloe214 is offline