Originally Posted by Darklight

It doesn't neccesarily make you 'narrow minded', but I think such a belief would limit one's ability to have compassion and forgiveness.

Nobody is perfect and cetainly not us recovering addicts! LOL! =)

That being said, the addict has to be willing to go to any length to achieve and maintain sobriety; it is a life-long process. If they refuse to do the work, then they will surely fail. However, they can and likely will make mistakes from time to time.

Let me put it this way: I'm sure you (BobbyJ) have done some things in your life that you knew better about, but did them anyway. I certainly have.
Would you expect someone to hold you accountable to always be perfect at all times and never make a mistake? Think about it. This is not "at all times". This is addiction. We are talking about a mistake with a life threatening addiction, not double parking in front of an apartment building here. Would you say the same about someone who had an affair, cheated on their spouse? They knew it was wrong, but did it anyways, so I should be compassionate and not expect them to be perfect all the time?

And if you did make a mistake, wouldn't you want someone to be at least a little bit compassionate and forgiving of you? -- As long as you own up to your mistakes and try your hardest to rectify them, I think you deserve some compassion. Again, this is a serious mistake we are talking about. Life changing. And that's one of her points, he's not owning up to anything, and not trying to to rectify either. He's lying and manipulating. Meanwhile years are going by, and she's still waiting for him to stop making the same mistakes. If he hasn't learned from them yet, he ain't gonna.

Now if you screwed up over and over and over again, and/or weren't working a program to change yourself, then, sure, no compassion would be forthcoming. But to say something like, "You get one chance and if you blow it, get ready for a divorce", that is not realistic nor is it compassionate. So maybe saying "you get three chances, and then we'll regroup and see what our options are" is better? I, like so many people on this forum, have been 'compassionate' with their A's going through relapse after relapse, giving chance after chance after chance. Watching them make mistake after mistake, and not standing my ground because after all, 'no one's perfect'. If I choose to lay that boundary, and say one time and we're through, then that's it. I'm being compassionate to myself, which is more important than being compassionate to anyone else in these scenarios. Some people are willing to give numerous chances when it comes to this disease. Some people aren't. The ones who aren't are usually the ones who have spent their lives already doing it, and know how much it sucks to sit by and wait for someone else to finally "get it right"



True, but just because we choose to deal with something doesn't mean that we'll do a good job or succeed every time.

"Cunning" is the key word, I think. To us addicts, our addiction is around us all the time, wherever we go. Those of us in recovery try our best to beat it each day. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail.

Al-Anon partners of RA's certainly have to protect themselves first. But it's not always neccessary to throw the baby out with the bathwater. That's basically my point.

Take what you like.