Originally Posted by Lorelai
Expectations are pre-meditated resentments, they are deadly, especially in relationships.
I'm trying really hard to understand this and I'm not trying to be argumentative but this sentence is really hard for me to swallow.
I expect a spouse to be human. I expect him to make mistakes. I don't expect him to complete my life.
I do expect him to not hit me. I do expect him to be faithful. I do expect him to have respect for my feelings.
I understand that my husband is an alcoholic. I understand that his alcoholism can prevent him from living up to my expectations. BUT does that mean that I have to give up my expectations of what I believe a loving relationship consists of?
I think that telling people to give up all expectations in life can be harmful.
When I married my husband, I expected him to tell me the truth about where he was and who he was with. I think that is a reasonable expectation. As time went on and he lied to me over and over again, I stopped expecting him to tell the truth. I just settled with the fact that I was being lied to.
If I had the expectation that a husband shouldn't lie to his wife on a consistent basis and I stood strong with that expectation, I would have left him a long time ago.
If I had the expectation that a husband should not be passed out on the couch everynight and stood strong with that expectation, I would have left him a long time ago.
I think that allowing my expectations to dwindle down to nothing is what kept me in this relationship so long. I think that having no expectations is the worst thing I can do.
I think that having expectations and determining whether a person is fulfilling those expectations is an important part of living a good life.
Tell me where I'm off here. I really do want to understand this.
L
IMHOP, you are blurring the lines between expectations and boundaries. Living a life where you don't harbor any expectations of the other person is very liberating, but it's a very different perspective than most of us have been lead to believe. It's about letting go. It does NOT mean you accept violation of your boundaries. It doesn't mean you let yourself be trampled upon and abused or that you should accept your needs not being met.
Let me speak from my experience.. and I am by no means an expert on this. My ex-wife is an enormous flake, she is always late when it's time to watch the kids. I don't expect her to be on time, if my schedule is loose or if I have no other options I will ask her to watch the kids. If not, or if my schedule is tight, I find somebody else. I don't harbor any ill will, my wife is a sick person. I love her, but she is almost totally unreliable so I let it go and accept reality for what it is. Getting angry at her just wastes my energy, and gives her some level of control over my emotional life. Sorry, not gonna do it.
So, what I am saying is, you need to learn where your boundaries are, and these are not external values you impose on your spouse, but your internal values and needs. Then you need to communicate these to your spouse clearly, un-emotionally when the time is right. If he's using, and you've decided one of your boundaries is that he can't stay in the house while using, kick him out. This is you respecting you and your values, not you being a nasty, unforgiving bitch. If your spouse loves you, then he is going to be inclined to respect your boundaries, but it may take awhile. If, however, he continues to violates them, then there are consequences, sometimes you have to impose consequences, sometimes the actions themselves impose their own. Remember, you are not his judge, mother, boss, etc.. this is respecting you and your needs, and everybody needs their boundaries to be respected.
I hope I am making my point.. there is a difference here.. IMHOP an expectation is you imposing your desires on another persons behavior. We all are going to fall short at some time or another.. often repeatably. What then? Well, most people (me included) get pissed!
Versus, a boundary is you understanding and communicating your needs and values. It's up to the other person to either respect and honor them, or not. If they are unwilling to, then perhaps he's not right for you. (BTW, it takes a lot of maturity and recovery for most people to begin to understand where their boundaries really lie. True-self knowledge is a rare commodity these days.. and this especially goes for myself!!!) This goes for friends and family, not just relationship partners. If somebody in your life is violating your boundaries, then you need to communicate this to them gently, but if they continue, you may have to not interact with them. This is your choice, you can choose whom to interact with. Whom among us wants to be a friend or spouse of somebody who doesn't respect their core values or is unwilling to meet their needs (not wants necessarily, NEEDS)... somebody who has very little respect for themselves. So many of us fall into this trap. We want something, or someone so badly we sacrifice ourselves.. and then we wonder why we feel awful. We need to stand up for our own truth and respect ourselves.
Sorry for the long post, I hope this helps clarify what I mean by expectations.
Love yourself, I've read some of your other posts, you are making real progress! Just be gentle with yourself, this stuff takes time.. lots of time.