dancingnow

It has been 1 1/2 years since I "exploded" out of my role as a SAHM, started working full time and separated from my AH.

I was very fortunate to obtain the position. It has given me some confidence in getting back into the working world, money saved and kept my thoughts away from AH at times.

6 months into my new job I realized I was in some ways irresponsibly running away to this and I needed to face my mess of what my reactions to AH had done and was still doing to me and my family. I sought counseling, went to alanon, found SR and started getting a clearer head and being calmer about making decisions.

I am now realizing the work situation I am in is constantly pulling at my codie ways. I feel like I don't know how to take care of myself in the workplace. It feels like I am constantly being manipulated to meet other people's needs. My position is grant funded and I can't seem to find the best next step for me after the grant runs out.

Although my boss is pleased with my work it seems I am being pushed to go elsewhere after the grant is up and I am getting anxious as I feel like I need more guidance and help to do this.

When I got the position it really took a lot for me to get it all together and put my professional self forward and I did it but now I feel like I am falling apart.

I am in a university setting and don't really know who to seek advice from as everyone seems to be out for their own selves. I feel like someone just starting out in their career looking for a mentor but I am really at the age of the end of a career or someone who should be transitioning to a new career with firm plans which I don't have.

Also I don't really want a full-time career and I took this position thinking it could turn into something part time. In reality this position could probably turn into something really great for someone who has their sh*** together and wants a new career.

Part time seems to be "non-professional" in this environment and I don't think I can deal with that type of situation (all the political bs and manipulation) except that it gives me more time with my kids, 10 and 14, my 17yo old is independent enough but I want to be there for her before she's off on her own.

Not sure if I am explaining this correctly but it just seems so overwhelming to face the reality of my age, my marriage gone, caring for my kids and getting us all back to a healthy place and figuring out how to best financially support myself for the future.

I know, I know there are many who have it so much worse and I am so fortunate right now but I just don't know how to keep moving forward away from the dream of having a partner in life.

Any ESH is appreciated. I seem to be stuck here right now and praying to get to a better place in my head soon.