I struggled with this one. My A had done a 6 month residential rehab, during which time I moved away with our little one, back to where I had been at university prior to taking a maternal leave of absence (there was no AH leave option, but that's what it really was for, so we could move back "home"). So about a year after rehab moves back with us and relapses so promptly I wondered if he hadn't already lapsed. It was like I was thrown back in time! I had no way to cope with it, so I thought, and was probably less prepared than he was. I tried to be supportive but I was furious with myself for letting him move into the house again, and furious with him for letting his support network fall away over the previous year.
So I too asked myself, how much of this should I "put up" with. After 7 months of doing everything I could think of, from offering to go with him to a counselor, to open meetings, etc etc (even finding phone #s for him for people to call for help) I finally realized I was slipping into depression myself. And our little one was showing signs of stress.
For me, a relapse was like going through the original pre-rehab hell again, and it still took me a long time to realize that I had had enough. I wonder if that is a sign: that a relapse looks like Original Flavour?
Another thing I wondered, was how big does a relapse have to be? Is it still a relapse whether it is one drink, or one night of drinking, or 7 months of active alcoholism and counting?