Your first matter of priority is to protect your little girl.
EVERYTHING else will work out exactly the way it is suppose to as long as you put your child's emotional and physical well-being first.
Time will tell with your wife.
• is she really addicted?
Yes. Believe her actions not her words.
• can she really be this recreational about it and still pull away - especially after all this time? how hard is that to do?
What you have described is NOT recreational drug use. And it is NEARLY impossible to pull away if you are an addict. It takes years of hard work to become stable after being addicted to drugs. Cocaine is a horrible nasty dirty drug by the way. People do AWFUL things when they are addicted. How do I know? I speak from personal experience. I was a pretty yukky person. And my ex, who's still using, is a disgusting man.
• am i being dramatic or should i really be concerned?
Yes. Be concerned for your daughter. She's being exposed to cocaine addiction. The longer she is exposed, the worse she will be affected.
• is my daughter's safety at risk? (according to her, cocaine is never in the house - but the adderall always IS)
Yes. be concerned. Drug addicts will ALWAY put drugs before their children. If there is a fire, and a child is on one side of the room, and there is a pile of cocaine on the other side of the room, an addict will save the cocaine first. BELIEVE IT!
• what's worse?.. the coke or the adderall? from what i've researched, they seem fairly equivalent
It's addiction. It's not about which drugs she is using. It's about the BEHAVIOR.
• how do i track this?.. prevent this?... i know you'll all say there is nothing i can do - an addict will always find a way, but how will i ever know that she is 'well' again??
You can't track it, prevent it or ever know that she is "well" again. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it. And RELAPSE is always a possibility even for the most committed recovering addict - which she is not.
• i know many of you will suggest an 'intervention', but she has already lost her job and is already at risk of losing her family...daughter... while i haven't been able to tell if she has in a while - is there any way that i will be??
I wouldn't suggest an intervention. I would suggest you leave, take the child for a safe place, focus on yourself. She is going to do whatever she is going to do - recovery or use. You cannot control her.
• am i really, 100%, completely helpless????
Over her choices yes. Over your choices? No. You are 100% RESPONSIBLE for whatever YOU choose to do. And you are 100% responsible for your child. Err on the side of caution...
But do I believe she is done? Ummm... no.
Then you have your answer...
And welcome by the way. glad you found this site.