Well, I got an email this morning with the dissolution paperwork attached and completed. He said he was doing this because he knows it is what I want. He gave me a list of terms along with this, and then said basically the ball is in my court. I printed out the paperwork, took it to the notary at lunch, and left them on his doorstep with a note that I will not file at the courthouse nor will I pay the fee. Divorce is not what I wanted nor sought when I married. I won't force anyone to have a relationship with me, but I won't go along with someone wanting out and trying to blame me for it.
It may sound like I am being passive-aggressive, but I view it differently. I am holding him accountable for his choices.
Oh, he also said that all of this "conflict and strife" will cause him to relapse. And that I am living in the past. And he can't have me continually living in the past and blaming him. It was amazing to read. AMAZING! But very validating. We can't have a relationship because he won't let it happen. Ok. Easy enough.
So that's that. I did the best I could. I loved him, I honored my vows. I know I was a good wife. I know I was not all those terrible things he said I was. I know I am not controlling and domineering, nor am I a passive-aggressive manipulator or a liar. Today I know these things about myself. Today I know this is HIS stuff here, and I am just tangled up in it. Today I know as long as I continue this I am volunteering. I am not a victim. I know my choices, my options, my worth.
Today I know that I did the best I could with what I had to work with. I married under false pretenses. That alone is grounds for divorce. But I hung in there, repeatedly offering therapy. Not marriage counseling...the therapist would only see us if he saw us alone for at least 5 sessions, in order to work on our own stuff first. Even he was able to see the barriers between he and I were much deeper than Jack Daniels.
Today I have peace. I feel a sense of relief standing my ground. I showed up for this marriage. I held him accountable, whether or not he believes in that. I can look myself in the mirror and feel good about what I see. I have no more amends to make. I can move on with grace.
P.S. F**k his terms, btw. I live life on my terms. ; )
P.S.S. I did add the filter to my work email - that's how he got through. Damn it, forgot that address! No more contact. Ever.
Thanks, SR friends.