Where I Am Today
Hi everyone. I haven't been on here in awhile since I first joined and I wanted to let everyone know where I am and maybe offer some insight from what I have discovered so far in my journey or even receive some advice from others. I like to check back in once in awhile and give updates because I learn so much here and maybe my story will help someone today as well. Anyway, I am about 6 months removed from the A that was in my life. Its not too much time, but I feel like its been longer since I really didn't know him when he was in my life. Since then, I have slowly been trying to find myself again. I lost so much of myself from the very day I met him. I've been trying to be that girl again that I was a couple years ago pre-A. I've also lost friends, suffered at my job/made enemies at my job, and distanced some family members while with him. I can't blame him because I was the one that let my life go up in flames...he was merely the match that I used to set the fire.
I have slowly been discovering why I would sabatage my own life like that or let someone's behavior effect me so much that people around me actually started hating me. It has been a long journey finding all the answers for myself and I still have along way to go. I'm picking up the peices of my shambled life one by one. One would think I was the addict from how much destruction that went on in my life. Basically anyone I met, or any job I had while I was with my A, suffered greatly because of me. I couldn't focus on anything but him, treated everyone around me with utter disrespect and I have deep remorse for the people I hurt in the process, as they were just casualties of my toxic relationship. I sometimes feel like I should make ammends to some of these people just like an A would? (that is if they would even speak to me). What would I even say? "Sorry I was too busy chasing around an Alcoholic that I couldn't even see you"?
Anyway, I thought my life would be so much better after I split with my A. To be honest, it is!....but it isn't. I no longer have anxiety or want to punch something everyday which is a good thing. I'm also starting to do things that interest me again and I'm starting to enjoy life. The old me is coming back slowly but surely. However, I am so sad and ashamed of myself for my previous behavior while I was with him. I have so much guilt for how I treated people it can sometimes be so intense I have to take a break and sit down. I feel as dirty and shameful/rotten as an addict after he goes on a 3 day bender. I may not have been drinking, but I was there going along with him down his sinful path and unconciously hurting people around me in the process. It's crazy how our behavior starts to mimic an addicts if we let it. I never intentionally hurt people, but I did act like they had no significance to me whatsoever because I had no room in my head left to think about them. All I could think about was HIM and I am utterly dissapointed with myself.
So, I am learning to forgive myself first....for what I unconciously did to people. And for what I did to myself, my life, and the people in my life. The biggest thing I have learned so far is: If you don't take control of your own life, someone else sure as hell will and they will take it to hell and back if you let them. The only person in this world that can 100% protect you from harm is YOU. In my case, I was my own worst enemy. I self-destructed off of someone else's disease and he didn't even have to make me...I did it myself.
When the pain from everything I did finally subsides, I hope to re-join the world again and be the old me. I have re-connected with some of my old friends that were mad at me, made a few new ones, and one day at a time people at my work, with time, have a new attitude towards me. And as for my family, they have forgiven me-they loved me the whole time, they just didn't understand why I was hurting myself like that. Life is slowly starting to repair itself and yes, there is life after a toxic relationship with an A no matter how much you've lost or think you've lost. I learned alot of hard and hurtful lessons, but I am greatful for how much wisdom and strength I now carry around with me. I truly believe that when we go through something so awful, something beautiful is always waiting on the other side.
This is where I'm at today and thanks for letting me share!